THE BILL MAHER PROBLEM and HOW TO FIX IT

I watch Real Time with Bill Maher every week and there’s a serious problem. I enjoy the show but I can’t keep silent about the major flaw in it that no one dares talk about.

Each week, Bill’s show consists of a monologue, an interview, and a panel discussion. It’s the transition between the interview and the panel where this trouble-spot rears its ugly head. Immediately following the interview, the shows signature music kicks in, Bill gives his thanks, hops from his chair, and the audience bursts into hoots and hollers.

And then it happens…

The poor guest — usually a dignified head of state, book author, or modern philosopher — is subjected to a great embarrassment. As Bill leaves the interview stage, they stand up, then sit, then stand again. Caught in this tragic limbo like Bambi in Headlights.

Real Time is in its 15th season and yet this problem persists. One can only conclude it’s an intentional thing (maybe part of a secret Bill Maher drinking game or a rebellious crew’s inside joke on guests) or Bill & Company are just incapable of fixing it.

As someone who used to design enterprise systems for Fortune 500 companies, I’ve decided to strategize some cures for this weekly plight.

Ten Ways to Fix the Bill Maher Interviewee Stand/Sit Problem:

1. Tell the guests to stay seated before they get on stage — Hire an intern whose full-time job it is to remind the interview guest to stay seated until the music stops. Perhaps rehearse this in the greenroom with a boom box and a chair.
2. Seat Belts — obvi
3. Do Nothing — Tell your stage manager NOT to tell the guest to sit back down. Walking off is preferable to the sit-stop indecision which frequently occurs. Just let them walk off or sit. Their call. Why highlight the lack of planning by having a stage manager force them back into their seat.
4. Safety Deposits — Have guests write a large check (5 figures should do) to me — “Jamie Nash”. If they stand before the music I will cash it. If they stay seated I will tear it up.
5. Go Chairless — Bill and the guest could stand throughout the interview and circle each other like sharks. Or maybe just let Bill sit and give it a musical chairs look.
6. Hang a Lantern on it — As a screenwriter, this is a common technique to cover mistakes. If someone — instead of trying to hide or correct it — highlight it! Make it a feature of the show! Dump slime on their heads or fire a confetti cannon or give away free Meat Lovers pizzas at Pizza Hut.
7. Moving chairs — The show The Toy Box uses cool ‘moving chair’ technology to usher its judges to and fro. Perhaps the show could be upgraded in the latest chair technology.
8. The Pit — Have the floor open up and drop the guest into a pit at the end of each interview. Or whip them backward through the wall ala MTV’s Remote Control.
9. Change the Music — Maybe the guests have been told to stay seated but the adrenaline rush fueled by the bitchin Real Time theme is possessing them to jump up and dance. Maybe change to a less rocking song. Or something that reminds them of their task. I’m thinking “Sit Down Don’t Rock the Boat” from Guys and Dolls
10. SERVE FOOD— If the guests have a tray of food — say sushi — on their laps, I think they will be more reticent to jump up when the loud music kicks in.

Bill…call me. We’ll get this fixed. I have lots of flow-charts and process flow diagrams to illustrate the above. It’s been 15 years…We can’t sit for this problem any longer.